Home Microwave Repair...

I am an incredibly impatient person.

I am, as we 'speak', typing furiously so a crazy person who looks like an einstein on crack will stop talking at me about repairing his ancient microwave
at home
by himeself

with an only $28 part....

Oh good he left.  That took FOREVER!!

For the record, can't you buy a whole microwave for about $28 or so these days and not have to spend any time fixing an old one, and in the case of this guy, most likely putting it back together in a way that is going to cause radiation poisoning or blow up his kitchen or something?

This is the JOY that is my job.

Earlier today a 3 year old walked into my office, calling me Alisha repeatedly (which is not even close to my name), and demanding candy.  DEMANDING.

I, for the record, do not have children and am, in general, terrified of them.  They're like small drunks who are also sticky, smell funny, and are likely to accidentally kick you in the uterus (I got kicked there a lot when I taught children to swim at my first job).

I don't happen to have any candy, at the moment.

So said 3 year old, still unattended by any adult as far as I can see, sat on my floor and started fake crying and screaming at me about how he was really depressed and might die from the shock of arriving in my office without finding the expected candy.

TWENTY SEVEN minutes later his grandfather came in and thanked me for watching him.  As if I'd agreed to do it.  And his grandfather isn't even a crazy public access producer, he's my coworker.

I just get ALL of the luck.

All of it.

UPDATE:  crackhead Einstein is back!!!  And demanding that I explain to him exactly why sometimes there is a dud dvd in a spindle.  And basically insinuating that I'm just a big fat liar and that this doesn't REALLY happen, but I just TELL him some of his dvd's are bad dvd's.
To censor him.

Because that's me, you know.  I've been informed several times since working here that I am "the man" and am hiding the truth and making things difficult and discriminating against older, privilaged, retired white men for one reason or another.

I swear there is no amount of typing or quite the right combination of concentration facial expression elements I can muster into one face that will make this guy stop talking.

Maybe I'll pretend to answer the phone....

I told him it was on vibrate (my desk phone, not a cell phone) one time and he believed me...



UPDATE:
Picking up the phone and talking to the dial tone did not help.  Crackhead Einstein just talked louder and included a lot of gestures, like the thought he was signing to me, but not even remotely close to sign language.

I'm going to just pretend I have to pee now. 
And then hide in there for a long time.

I never get to say the fun stuff.

Sometimes I feel like I really AM the man, and am, in fact, trying to keep everyone down.

I never get to say the fun stuff!!

It's always "no, you may not bring your horse into the studio, even if he is an anthropomorphized recurring character on your show."

or "I'm sorry, but checking out all of our available HD cameras over the weekend to set them up at various points in your backyard to film a time lapse of the sun continuously for 3 days just isn't going to work out."

"No, you are not allowed to take the camera to Korea for 3 weeks."

"Yes, we would have noticed if this camera was shattered and filled with sand when you checked it out, we therefore CAN in fact be serious, and you are financially responsible for the damages."

It's a lot more "no" than "yes." Although all of it seems to get equally incredulous responses on the part of the producers.

It's no wonder I can't take a vacation! If I had to deal with these crazy people all day every day for a week I'd.... oh wait.... (facepalm) I've been doing it for the last 6 years!! Well when a small staff gets used to someone like me acting as buffer for the crazy for 6 years, it gets harder and harder for that buffer to take her dream "Biggest Loser Staycation" and spend a week dieting and spending 5 hours a day at the gym in lead up to the season finale. Life just isn't fair!!

I asked for the necessary week off a whole month in advance. I did not use the usual staff method of leaving, and then leaving a voicemail that I wont be back for said number of weeks. I wanted people to be prepared!

"But who will do the programming and deal with the producers for a whole week?" Asked my boss, all in a kerfuffle over it. That's right, the boss who takes a 3 week Buddhist retreat every June in the mountains of Colorado every June and is "unreachable" throughout. (And extremely angry when you get in touch with him over the phone while he's there anyway and than hangs up on you and leaves you stranded on the other side of the country). The boss who still manages to take at least 2 other weeks off during the year for various music festivals, and suffers from an undiagnosable 'illness' that keeps him out for another 3-5.

But me? The lowest paid member of staff (because I am, after all, a 'woman,' and 'young'), a WHOLE week? In a row? Impossible.

"But you said I have to take 150 hours of vacation this year, and I've only managed 25, and June is next month. You said I can't cash it in or keep it."

"Well, why can't you just take a bunch of half days between now and then?"

And yes, he was serious.

So I did what any logical person would do. I suddenly had vacation plans and the tickets were already purchased! Oh darn... And, why yes, I did already go behind your back and find people to cover for a lot of what I do before you had a chance to say they were too busy.

You're welcome.

You Can't Argue with Crazy

I've heard it a million times, and even though I know better, sometimes I can't help myself! It never fails that the most frustrating days at work are the days that I argue with crazy... and in this place there is no shortage of crazy!

For example, a few months back, the famous "Duck Lady" was in the ready set down the hall to film a new episode. She had already received all of the on demand on the instant staff assistance to set up the equipment to begin filming for about the 5,437th time since I started working here. In the first 30 minutes after that she came to my office to demand answers to questions she's asked before or other immediate action on my part at least 8 times. I couldn't get anything done!!

After she came back for the 9th time, asking that I please give her the air times for a show she'd turned in a day or two previously (which would normally take AT LEAST one week to process), I said sure, I can have it done by the end of the day.

15 minutes later she came by asking if I'd done it yet. Does "by the end of the day" usually mean in 15 minutes when said at 11 in the morning?

15 minutes later she came by again asking if I'd done it yet. (No, that is not a typo, she is that impatient.) So I explained again that the end of the day means the END of the day, not right away, and then fled out of the building on the pretense of eating lunch.

When I came back from lunch I crept quietly the long way around the building to my office, so as not to be seen and asked why I hadn't done as she asked yet despite being out of the building since the last time she asked (inevitable). When I snuck in I quickly shut the door behind me and e-mailed all of my coworkers to let them know I was in my office, but hiding with the door locked because I can't get anything accomplished with her walking in every 10 to 15 minutes.

Within 5 minutes I hear her wandering around the building, calling my name, asking every person she sees if they have seen me. This becomes CONSTANT. The person with the office next to mine flees the building, I hear her stomping up and down the stairs repeatedly yelling for me and loudly asking the people upstairs where I am and insisting that I was supposed to help her with something right away.... So they give up, in no time my boss is down knocking on my door and letting her know, out loud, that I was hiding in there. It had only been about half an hour.

Gee thanks, guys.

So I get annoyed and it makes me brave. I get honest and tell her I was forced to hide behind a locked door because whenever she's in the building she demands entirely too much of my time and I can't get anything done. I explain that when I said I'd do it by the end of the day I MEANT the end of the day, which means 5. I also explain that she should be grateful that I'm agreeing to do it that day AT ALL as it was at least 5 days early and was a FAVOR and that I am not especially inclined to do favors for people when they are rude and demanding of them.

So she flips out, insists that her show is too popular to be held to our general rules, etc. And I disagreed with her. In other words: I argued with crazy.

The day quickly became impossible.

Any time she heard me talking to someone else in my office she stormed down the hall, into my office, interrupted the conversation and demanded to know,

"Is this a business meeting? Because it sounds like socializing."

The first was during what was obviously a work related conversation with a coworker about an upcoming production. I explained to her that not only was it a business meeting, but also that it was none of her business what I was talking about or who with, that whatever happens in my office is none of her concern, and that working the type of production we are trying to figure out is what pays for me, the channels, everything she is able to use.

She doesn't get it, obviously. All she knows is that she's not getting what she wants exactly when she wants it, so there's more flipping out. You also can't rationalize with crazy, obviously.

What was I thinking?

The whole rest of the afternoon goes this way, with much screaming and crying, until she finally leaves the building around 3:30. Literally every time I was about to do what she asked me to she stormed into my office being rude and demanding it, even after I explained again and again that it was a favor. She kept insisting that I could have taken whatever time I spent "socializing" with other people doing what she asked, I kept insisting I'd never get to it if she took up 20 minutes of every 40 arguing with me about it (which of course had absolutely no effect on her, again - arguing with crazy)....

So once she leaves I can finally get some work done, and get to what she asked me to do about 4 (an hour before the end of the day, thank you). I call and leave her a voicemail with all the information she asked for (she doesn't have a phone of her own, as those will poison her with microwaves, only a voicemail box) and move on.

The next morning I have a lovely voicemail back thanking me for all that I do, and telling me I'm so helpful, and she's so grateful, and sometimes we "friends" just have to have these moments and it's all just part of life... Meanwhile my boss' take on the situation is that I should have just done what she wanted when she wanted it so we all didn't have to hear her all day...

OF COURSE! Because his noodliness knows that if I did that for all of our difficult producers things would just turn out dandy and quiet, right? But can I really be frustrated with them in this situation? They are just acting as they always act. The center of the universe and the avoider of all unpleasant conversation.

I was the one that tried to make them behave like logical grown ups. I had to rock the boat and argue with their crazy....

Obviously my fault.