The Woman Who Knew Too Little...

Caller: "The parent of a child who was once in a play I put on several years ago said they saw her on tv sometime within the last several weeks; can you tell me if a video of my play aired on your station?"

It seems like a simple question. If i worked at a commercial tv station I'm sure it would have been, but I dont, and it wasn't.

L: "We are a public access station; we do not produce anything you see on that station, nor do we assign producers to film certain things or pay the people who put them on. People make their own tv shows at their own discretion and we provide them with an outlet to share them with you and the rest of the community. If you can tell me the day and approximate time it aired I can try and tell you if any of the titles sound like your play, but people can title the shows however they please and it may not help."

Seems simple right? I think I was being as helpful as I could be given the amount of information I had, and expected a polite response... or often a surprised one, most people dont know about public access....

Caller: "Well I dont know when it played; sometime in the last week, or two weeks, or three or even four weeks. Oh and I'm not actually sure it played on your station, it could have been any station in the channel number vicinity of yours, and I'm not even totally sure it played on tv. I just ran into the parents of a child who used to be in a play I once put on who said they saw her on tv in costume."

Her tone is increasingly annoyed. No polite responses from this woman. At least she's not demanding to know why "The View" didn't come on at it's normal time on whatever station it happens to air on and insisting i must know and having very hurt feelings about my refusal to tell her (oh yes, that happened, and somehow they always dial MY extension for some unknown reason...).

L: "Well I'm afraid that with that little information I cant help you; it certainly doesn't sound familiar to me. I can tell you who runs the other local access stations in the channel vicinity of ours, and maybe they will know."

I mean, the woman doesn't even know if it was on our channels... and the numbers she was naming to me I KNEW it couldn't possibly have played on; those being government and bulletin channels.

Caller: "Are you saying that you guys just have no idea what's playing on your station and no way to look it up? It was a play, why cant you just look for it?"

Such simple logic no? I mean.... how hard can it be?

L: "Of course we have an idea of what's playing, but none of us sit and watch every show from beginning to end, our producers sign contracts saying they are following the rules, and we believe them. We'll see bits and pieces of a show while we process it, but no one has turned in a show about a play anytime in the last week or so, and that's about as far back as I can remember specific shows. And as for it being a play, plays are a very popular thing for people to film and turn in, and we'll often run them in empty spaces for years after they're initially turned in. If i had a specific day to work with I could go through the titles and see if any of them sound like they might be of a play, but even if i went and looked through a list of all 24 hours of programming for the last month, chances are I wouldn't recognize the title of the show your play may or may not have been in... if it was indeed played on our channel."

It goes on... and on.... and on and on and on and on... but mostly it's repetitive. The woman tells me in a new way that a show with her in it may or may not have aired and wants specific information; I tell her why I cant give it to her and make several suggestions of how she can look online at what we have played and see if any of it sounds familiar. She gets very pissy, rude, condescending and upset about it.

Then, always my favorite, "give me the contact information for those other stations and who I should talk to."

So matter of fact, so sure that I have the answers. Complimentary, I guess it should be, that people somehow assume me omniscient in all things cable and / or television related; but mostly I find it to be an extreme lack of logical thought on their part.

L: "Those are completely different tv stations, we dont work with them in any way, they are their own separate companies."

Makes sense right? If you were talking to the teller at the bank, would you ask them, with all confidence that they have the answer, 'give me the contact information for a credit union 3 states over; you all work with people's money'? No. Of course not. That wouldn't make sense.

People dont seem to see the connection (or should I say lack of connections?) when it comes to television. Oh no, she wasn't the first.

Caller: "But they're right next to you on cable, and you're all local tv stations."

Totally oblivious

L: "We dont have any of their information, they are a different company."

I think this job makes me entirely too patient in repeating myself as if it will make since on a second, third, or fourth utterance.

Caller: "Well where do I find the, like, database online for all of the local Monterey channels."

The internet. Of course! They've thought of everything on the internet!

L: "There isn't one that I know of."

******Gasp******

At this point the caller decides that I must be a complete idiot. And so she impatiently asks me all the same questions yet again in about 10 different ways, and remains displeased with my answers.

Do I get to say "Dont you have any idea if you've been filmed by someone who wants to put you on a tv station?" Or: "Well you were in a play, dont you know about all of the plays that air on tv?"

No.

I dont get to be as sarcastic as these people deserve. I have to be nice and attempt to continue to be helpful until they hang up and get off the phone!

I have decided: whenever an illogical and agitated person calls comcast and wants to know the answer to a question that any normal person would know they cant answer, there's a simple conclusion that comes to mind...

"I'm speaking to an illogical weirdo... better give them the phone number to the public access station."

I cant even be mad about it; I'm sure that 2/3 of the times that happens... they're probably right!

But how do they get MY extension? Why does it have to be ME?

Did I cut off one of the workers at comcast in traffic? Perhaps unknowingly take the seat they were eyeing at the movie theater? Or the best looking onion in the produce department just before they got to that display?

If so I'm deeply sorry and will apologise given the opportunity, and provide them with the extension for our general voice mail. The callers will still be crazy: the message will be forwarded to my inbox. But then I can try to call at an odd time of day and leave them a brief message and then screen my calls in case they call back. Like a normal person.